She’s A Bridesmaid For A Day, But Keep Her A Friend For Life

Of course, we understand that a wedding is all about the bride and groom.

Bridesmaids are there to support the bride, and the rules for how a bridesmaid needs to support the bride tend to be very specific. However, in discussions, it’s easy to sense that some of the rules are not so clear and, in some cases, hard feelings can develop between the bride and some of her bridesmaids, particularly in areas related to costs.

There are brides, however, who seem to have successfully and sensitively managed the issue of cost with their friends and it usually comes down to the bride being sensitive, flexible and generous.

Someone who hasn’t been in a wedding before usually has no idea the actual cost of being a bridesmaid. And the cost is formidable, especially for a college student, young mother, someone just starting out in her job, or someone who has been a bridesmaid in several other weddings.

A bridesmaid is responsible for her dress, alterations, shoes, jewelry, hair, makeup, shower gift, shower hosting, bachelorette party hosting (although it’s OK to ask guests to chip in for this one), wedding gift and, if she doesn’t live in the area, travel and lodging.

There are a few lessons learned from brides who were able to deftly manage the issue of cost with their friends that may be helpful for a future bride, especially one who values her friendships:

A. Before even asking a friend to be in your wedding, think through if the cost of being in your wedding will be a factor for your friend, how important it is that this friend is in your wedding, and what compromises you are willing to make and/or financial support you are willing to give. Your friend shouldn’t have to pay a steep penalty just to be a part of your day.

B.The thing that seems to cause the most problem is the dress, especially if a bride wants her bridesmaids to wear something a little pricey. Some brides often counter that they purposely chose a dress that can be worn again but the odds are, in spite of the best intentions, it won’t. It’s a style the bride likes not necessarily the bridesmaid. To avoid hard feelings over the dress, initiate a discussion with each bridesmaid about what she would be comfortable paying and what, if any, style looks absolutely horrible on her.

C. If you want your friend to wear a dress you know she can’t afford, pay for the dress and alterations but in a discrete way. Don’t send her a check as reimbursement for the dress but instead, for example, make arrangements beforehand with the store to send the bill to you. Simply tell your friend you had your heart set on a particular dress and budgeted paying for this dress in your wedding planning.

D. If you don’t have your heart set on a particular dress, you could choose a color and style, e.g. tea length, and let each bridesmaid select her own dress in that color and style.

E. If your bridesmaid does not live in the city where you are getting married, instead of expecting her to stay in a hotel (even if you have a block of rooms for a discount) ask friends and relatives in the area if they have an extra room or bed for your friend. This not only saves the bridesmaid a significant expense but helps her feel like part of the family. It’s one more set of friends or relatives she’ll know at the reception.

Your wedding day is important. It’s easy to get caught up in the events of the day but remember it’s just one day. Friendships are for life. It’s important to remember that the day is about marrying the man you love surrounded by those who mean the most to you – the people you want in your life for the rest of your life.