A New Mother's Guide To Having A Baby And Keeping The Husband

The birth of a child is nothing sort of cataclysmic—no single event can have such tremendous impact on the lives of those involved in it. It creates different roles, submerging the old—husbands become fathers, wives become mothers, and parents become grandparents. It strengthens existing relationships and forges new ones; generates new roles and priorities and provides opportunities for marriage to grow.

To say that having a baby is a momentous event is an understatement—it is overwhelming, mind-boggling, and life changing. Perhaps, nobody knows this better than the new mother herself. Forget the romanticized birth tales you have heard; childbirth is a distressing—if not altogether traumatic—experience, both for mother and baby. Imagine undergoing a life-saving operation one day and going to work the next—impossible, one might say; yet that is exactly what a new mother goes through.

Aches and pains notwithstanding, she is awake most of the night feeding the baby, and is up all day doing the same. She ceases to have a mind of her own, and operates on autopilot, with her baby’s cries as cues. Add to that the hormonal changes taking place inside her body, reducing her to tears at the slightest provocation.

Messy house and dirty dishes aside, it is understandable why most new moms get the baby blues. With such huge responsibilities swamping her, it is easy for the new mother to slip into a routine that excludes her husband, especially if the latter is out working all day. This is expected and actually facilitates bonding between mother and baby.

There is the danger, however, that the routine becomes the norm in the relationship, and the mother-baby bond gets in the way of the husband-wife connection, endangering the marital relationship. How does a new mother ensure that in having her bundle of joy, she doesn’t lose her husband? First, she should make time for herself— physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Easier said than done, one might say, but it actually is easier than one might think. Eating regular, healthy meals, reading a few pages from a favourite book, starting a journal, even watching a few minutes of silly T.V. programs go a long way in helping a new mother take care of her needs—and keep her sanity.

She should also make the effort to look good for her husband; this is not to say that she should be showered, made up and lingerie-clad when her husband arrives—but getting dressed in anything but pyjamas and not smelling like old milk is a good start. Only after she has taken care of herself can a mother take care of her loved ones.

Second, she should make time for her husband. This doesn’t mean elaborate dinners, or having sex every night—a kiss when he comes through the door, a cuddle before going to bed at night are more than enough to make him feel that he still belongs, and is still appreciated. Third, a new mother—and father for that matter— should make time for the relationship.

A baby can dampen spontaneity but with a little planning such spontaneity can be reclaimed. New parents could arrange for a family member or a babysitter to look after the baby and have regular date nights together. A date night should be special—a time to reconnect with each other and the world beyond parenthood.

While talking about the baby in small doses is okay, these moments should be for the two of them. Undoubtedly, having a baby is a challenge. While a child may act as a wedge that keeps the marriage together, it can also become the wedge that splits it apart. Making time for oneself, for one’s spouse and for the relationship is vital if a husband and wife would like to have their bundle joy—and keep each other, too.

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