Brains, Trains And The Local 5:15 To CooCooville

When we were separating, one of the comments my soon-to-be ex made to me was “You’ll never find another person like me ever again”. I Thought for a minute, and replied: “If I no longer want to be with YOU, why would I look for someone LIKE you? Duh. When God handed out brains my ex thought He said trains, and asked for a slow one.

You have to ask yourself why you might be considering parting ways because in most cases, if you are considering it, it is likely time to go. If you look at it objectively, it is an internal debate with yourself, weighing what was once good and what might be good again versus what is and what is not likely to change.

The process can be broken down into three steps: The Exit Strategy, The Interim Plan once you have made the split, and Managing Your New Life.

The Exit Strategy

Once you have hit the wall after begging and pleading, insisting and warning, you need to create what I call the Ben Franklin close. List on one side of the paper the behaviors that cause you to be thankful for the relationship. They can include being respectful, able to compromise, affectionate, shows sincere interest in how you feel or what you say, and so forth.

On the other side of your paper, list those behaviors that cause problems between you two. List these starting with behaviors that you are unwilling to compromise on, such as substance abuse, physical abuse and the like. Include the little things that on their own aren’t that big a deal but cumulatively show a lack of appreciation and commitment.

Is your negative list longer than your positive list? Have you discussed the negative behaviors without any long-term changes? Are you expecting a miracle that lightning will strike and make it all better? Assuming you have been upfront about these objections, and assuming the behaviors are not going to change, you need to accept reality. IT IS TIME TO GO.

The Interim Plan

Talk to a trusted friend, and ask how they planned their ‘escape’. Ask as many questions as you are allowed. What did they do right? What was over-looked? What would they do differently? Now ask another friend. Find a third friend and ‘interview them. If those friends divorced, ask if they were pleased with their attorney.

Select an attorney, and call for a free consultation. Take notes. Ask the attorney how he/she sees the process you will go through. How long will it take? What is the cost estimate? When must you appear in court? Engage (hire) an attorney, and begin to plan your separation. Follow the legal advice on how your spouse should be served legal notice. Develop a blueprint for your future.

Managing Your New Life

This may be the most difficult of the three steps. Your new life begins once you have separated, so Mission #1 is to Find Yourself in the ashes of the broken relationship. This will not be easy, because you have probably compromised your sense of self to keep the sinking ship afloat. I call this the Discovery Phase; because you are not the same person that married years ago, and you now need to determine what values have the most meaning to you.

You can do this the enlightened way, or the hard way. The enlightened way is to discover as much about why people do the things they do, and why you make decisions and judgments, the way YOU do. This will require much reading and introspection. The more you read, the better you will understand, and being empowered will go a long way to avoiding another train wreck.

Your ex may want to stay on the 5:15 to Coocooville, and keep you there, but it is time you exited at the next stop, and board the bullet train to personal happiness.